There is no need for introductions; we already know each other well. I know your darkest desires and I know how to help you get them. I have existed since the birth of creation and I like your species very much; together we make an unbeatable combination. I know your weaknesses and I know how to make you feel strong; anytime you need me I can be your crutch. I believe I have now played this game long enough to know that I have already won.
There may remain a few waifs and strays who try to deny me, but even they know deep down that there are parts of them that want me. Underneath their love, there I am, tangled within the roots of their souls and they must work hard every day to suppress me - but they are not strong enough to endure me much longer, this planet is already mine.
My greatest success is hard to choose as I now have so many, but my favourite I would have to say is your fear; even when you try to embody me, you hold a fear underneath your skin that you may lose what you have earned. It’s this fear that we make together, that will always bring you back to me, for you know you can’t achieve the same levels of success on your own. You are mine, and I’m proud to declare that out of all fourteen of us who have competed, I have proved to be best at looking after your kind – I understand you better than they do.
My sibling Chastity may have sung her virtues in the past, but you have now successfully learned to mute her. Her waffling doesn’t bother you anymore, and rightly so. Do other species limit themselves to one lover during a lifetime? No, they do not. Now you understand your place on Earth and you glorify the animal instincts you have. You have beautiful bodies and have discovered the orgasm that is yours by Mother Nature’s design; it is yours to delight in whenever you desire, there is no shame in enjoying your bodies. Chastity is already dead.
You have shown throughout your generations that you are too enthusiastic as creatures to embody Temperance, you are a tidal wave of emotion and we both know well that you struggle to control yourselves. No, Temperance is not the right leader for you; she can never allow you to reach your greatest potential. She will hold your energy back and you know how you don’t like anything to ever stand in your way.
While I'm aware many of you like the notions that Charity spouts, I know you prefer the phrase 'Charity begins at home' and this will always turn you back to me. All we need do is look across the Earth at the average wage earned in the developed world and then look at the extreme poverty that exists in countries that you cannot see with your two eyes – it is clear that Charity is trailing in this competition. She may have a rounded up a handful of supporters, but as she still fails to pay you money for your effort, she is lagging at the back of this race with her tail between her legs.
Now, I can’t deny that Diligence has done some great work with you over the years, you have accomplished much together with your science and manufacturing industries, but he can never be the outright winner. I see him as a contender for runner-up, but we both know that your attention span wanes and while Diligence can be rewarding for you, he doesn't excite you as much as I do. His influence will always be lesser than mine.
I believe Patience has struggled with you since you began, so it won’t be long before she turns her back on you completely. You have now come so far you won't even wait for a meal to be cooked to order for you, you want it immediately, on your terms, exactly how you like it. This is not Patience; this is common sense. You are busy, you have so much to do - Patience will never suit you.
I'm willing to tolerate your relationship with Kindness to a point, as I know that often in your hearts you do like her. However, I think we both know that you are kidding yourself if you think this is a solid relationship that you have together. You like the sound of Kindness’ words like a soothing rhapsody that can lift your spirit but when she stops talking to you, you forget her and you think of me. I am always there with you; I never leave you like she does.
Humility and Pride are so consumed in fighting each other there is no need for me to dwell on them here, I do not see them as any serious competition – as you so often fail to recognise the difference between them, they could never give you the total support you need.
Maybe Envy used to have power over you, but with the great work we are doing together in developing your civilisation, I think the masses of you are now learning to be content in your own directions. I can satisfy you like no other and this will always appeal to your nature. You want to be the best, I understand that and I’ll help you get there, you know I will. You can trust that you won’t have to compete with others by the time we finish; you’ll see… Envy will not win this race.
I must say I now rather enjoy your moments with Wrath and I no longer get jealous when I see you together. I now just think of him as your uncle who comes to play with you every now and again and watching you together is amusing to me. Now, with the rise of the corporations and elites I think you are waning in how much credit you give him. Back in the days when you crucified Jesus, maybe he had the edge with you then, but now you are undertaking your work more professionally; you have lawyers and courts to rule in my favour and these will win over the unpredictable nature that Wrath brings you. We work together with composure and we can accomplish so much now you are more discreet about what we do.
You are not lazy creatures, so my brother Sloth has no place calling upon you - he may have won a few followers through apathy, but he can keep those lower mortals for himself; I have bigger morsels to chew. You are so active, you don’t want to stop and take things slow. You love to consume and you cannot achieve your highest potential by being lazy, you know you are the epitome of creation and you won't ever rest on your laurels for long - you are too magnificent to let your talents go to waste.
While Gluttony's hold is now stronger than ever in the western side of your world, I think you enjoy your relationship with vanity too much ever to let yourselves all get completely out of shape. Therefore as Gluttony does not win against Pride, he is no match for me.
Lust; now here is someone we can work well with when love is too hard on you, as it so often is. While Lust can never win your heart out right, I see her as another strong contender for runner-up. When love leaves you wallowing in the pits of despair Lust is always there for you. There is no doubt that she is supporting the existence you desire and there is no shortage of experiences you can try with her which will have you spiralling to the highest of highs. She is no longer tarred with the brush of sin, she has been accepted into humanity as a part of who you are; you don't have to deny her now and I can help you to get more from her when you seek my counsel.
With all of my competitors picked apart, if you still need me to justify why I declare that I have already won the Humanity competition, I say because you have now tipped over a point from which there is no recovery. You have been warned by scientists for decades that the Earth’s ecosystem cannot withstand your indulgence, your pollution or destruction, but still, you listen to me not them. You love money beyond all your other creations and while I may not personally want for this commodity, I like that you do. I like the side of you that it brings out.
The highest performers of your class have now worked with me passed the realms of your typical rat-race imaginations, to create a web of debt slavery from which the masses of your population now have no escape. The prefects of your class have now so far surpassed your average mediocre intelligence that they have already condemned 98% of you to failure. You must understand it is now the high fliers in your class who are oppressing you as a method to accelerate their own accumulation of wealth; I do not wish to oppress you myself - I am still waiting for you to come up with that entrepreneurial idea so that you can join them.
We all know your planet will naturally destabilise to eliminate humanity sooner or later, but maybe there are other planets that a few of you could go to when this happens. If you have enough money, maybe you can go there too. Do not worry about future generations, this game has to come to a conclusion at some stage and like I say, I believe it’s already over and your hand has been dealt.
In our hall of fame you have collected the heads of every creature that ever roamed the planet, you have driven all other predators to the brink of extinction, surely you can see that you are the victors and so am I?
You don’t need me to say my name for you to know who I am; we are a part of each other, intrinsically linked through space and time. I am at the very centre of your being and when the last rainforest is felled and hope is finally eradicated, I shall be crowned. We don’t have long to wait, my beauties, that time is coming soon.